


No Time for Grief

by RPGwrites



Series: Pathfinder, Truthseeker [2]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Angst, F/M, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:55:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27939267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RPGwrites/pseuds/RPGwrites
Summary: When Alec Ryder died Ryder didn't grieve him. She wasn't cold there was no time to grieve him. Or that's what she keeps telling herself. Even if she tries she can't grieve him. There are many things she didn't understand about him. Perhaps she won't ever understand it.
Relationships: Jaal Ama Darav/Female Ryder | Sara
Series: Pathfinder, Truthseeker [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1544851
Comments: 8
Kudos: 12





	No Time for Grief

**Author's Note:**

> Prompted by [ ninanirina](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/ninanirina). Prompt: "I haven't cried when they died and I'm not starting now. 
> 
> Many thanks to [ MyrddinDerwydd ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyrddinDerwydd) for betaing.

When Ryder saw her father's armor in SAM node, she knew he was gone. She had flashes of his face. Lips moving. Yet, she heard none of his words. 

She remembered Habitat 7. But there was so many blanks. She remembered narrowing her weak eyes at his lips. But still nothing. 

Later, the edges of her vision just became darker and darker. Then all she saw was the darkness. 

She woke up in a world of pain. She remembered Lexi and Harry barking orders. She was so confused and in all honesty she thought she was dying. Perhaps she was. 

Ryder became the Pathfinder. It all seemed empty as if she was living someone else’s life and not her own. 

Getting SAM brought her no joy at all. She barely knew him but it was his fault that her father’s focus was elsewhere when it should’ve been on his wife. 

But instead she's alive and he's gone.

Why?

Why did he give his helmet to her? 

Why in the world would he sacrifice his life for her?

He didn't love her. … No, not really. 

She was nothing to him. So why would he do this?

* * *

Days passed where Ryder met with the leadership and she got her ship. Out of all of them she liked Kesh and Kandros. With Tann and Addisson they had arguments. She became Pathfinder. It was hard to believe it. Harder to believe Alec Ryder was actually gone. Ryder could see she wouldn’t get along with them. No one believed that Ryder could be the Pathfinder. She couldn't blame them. She didn't even believe it herself. 

Everyone sent their condolences. But their words felt empty. Hollow. Ryder was sure they meant well and she appreciated it but that’s not how it was received. She missed her father, yes. But in all honesty, she couldn't say what she missed about him. 

He wasn't a father to her. Not really. 

He wasn't a father to her like they portrayed on the vids. A father who you could go to no matter what. A father that's always there. Alec Ryder was as emotionally unavailable as a human could be. 

She didn't miss his insults. 

She didn't miss his judgement. 

She didn't miss his disapproval. 

So what exactly did Amber Ryder miss? 

All Ryder felt was a deep empty hole. She didn't know what that hole meant. Would it ever be filled? 

* * *

"Cora," Ryder greeted as she got into the bio-lab. "How are you doing?"

"Keeping busy." Cora gave the neutral answer, and Ryder knew there was more to it than that. 

"Look," she decided to get straight to it. "I know my dad's passing has been hard for you."

Cora snorted. "Well it sure as hell hasn't been as easy for me as for you."

Cora's words were as sharp as knives. Cutting through her. "Cora…" Ryder was too shocked to say anything else. What could she possibly say to that?

"I didn't expect for you to cry your heart out, but nothing? Damn Ryder, that was your own father."

Guilt settled in. Was Cora calling her cold? No, she hadn't cried for her father. She told herself she had no time for grief. But it was all a lie. 

"You know what?" Ryder scoffed. "I don't need this." 

And Ryder left. 

* * *

Days passed where neither Ryder nor Cora spoke to the other. Angry glances were shared. Missions were hard when the atmosphere was like that. 

Later, Cora came to apologize. 

"I'm sorry, Ryder. I had no right to say that." 

But it still bothered her.

_ Am I being cold? _

Did she owe her father more grief? She didn't know. It didn't feel like she did.

So instead, she shoved those feelings aside. 

* * *

Weeks passed, even months, as Ryder continued to feel nothing but emptiness. By this time she should be practically numb. But it wasn't all bad. 

She and Jaal hit it off. Another relationship she thought she would screw up. But so far it was pretty good.

She enjoyed talking to him about everything. Well, except family. Or more accurately, she didn't want to talk about her family. 

"So you and your father weren't close?"

She shrugged as if it was nothing. "I guess you could say that. Not the father and daughter relationship you see in vids."

He only hummed at her answer. 

Until they talked about it more seriously. 

"You need to mourn your father, " Jaal said one day. "Crying can help."

Jaal thought his words would help, but they were as unhelpful as they could come. 

"I didn't cry when he died and I'm not starting now."

That shocked Jaal. "You didn't cry when your father died?" It was as if he deemed it impossible. "I cry when losing loved ones." 

"Well, I'm sorry I'm not as perfect as you. That doesn't mean I'm cold." 

"Ryder…"

"Just don't!" Her words were harsh, cutting him like sharp razors. 

So Ryder left. 

* * *

Days passed as Jaal tried to confront her, be there for her, but she wouldn't let him. He must've thought she was cold. She knew she wasn’t fair to him but she couldn’t go back either. 

_ Who doesn't cry when their own father dies? _

Missions were long and hard without Jaal at her side. She was lonely, which was strange. Ryder simply didn't get lonely. 

Until one day she decided it was her turn to apologize. 

"I'm sorry I was an ass." She apologized. 

He embraced her in a hug, strong arms wrapping her in a hug. "I just want what's best for you."

"I know." She let out a big sigh, and with that huff of breath, all her problems. 

"My father was a crappy father, " she admitted. It felt like some weight lifting off her shoulders admitting that. It felt truly freeing. 

Jaal hummed in the process. "Not all fathers are good. I'm sorry yours was one of them. You don't deserve that."

She gave him a sad smile. "You know, for years I blamed myself. Maybe if I were different. Maybe if I was more perfect. But I wasn't ever good enough."

"Ryder," Jaal took his hands into hers as tears for her father finally fell. "Don't say that."

"And then he made  _ me  _ Pathfinder.  _ Me!? _ " She shook her head and let go of his hands. "What did I ever do to him?" Angry tears were falling freely from her cheeks. "His actions made no sense."

"In the end, he loved you."

_ I wish I could believe you.  _

Ryder started mourning her father. It wasn’t much but it was the beginning. And the heaviness in her heart started becoming lighter. 

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to come and say hi on [ Tumblr ](https://rpgwrites.tumblr.com/).


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